Fighting For Change

Fighting For Change

I am sitting here pondering how I have evolved over the years in my journey to health and into the fitness and nutrition industry.  Honestly, I don’t always recognize myself when I compare myself from way back then to now.

Just a few short years ago, I was all about heavy duty workouts and a very restrictive diet. I was so very passionate about everything I did.  I told everyone about it.  I told everyone that is how they should live too. *shudders* I had the answer to my and all their dieting woes.  Eat this way and exercise this way and you too can have your dream body.  It was very much a all-or-nothing philosophy.  THIS is the only way to live.  If you don’t follow this plan you will fail or you just don’t have what it takes to succeed.  (Note: It hurts to write this.)

Here’s the secret that I never told anyone.  I may have had all the answers but in reality I hated my body and I was totally miserable.  I sure did a good job covering up the truth.  I covered up the fact that I really didn’t enjoy my workouts.  I covered up the fact that I was constantly hungry and obsessed with numbers.  I covered up the fact that I would often binge in private .  It never really occurred to me that if I am eating in secret that there just might be a problem.  I covered up the fact that I often felt guilt and shame. I hated my body and I hated myself for hating my body.   I feared food.  I was depressed.

Honestly, I shudder and hang my head in shame when I think about everything I said and told people back then.  My all-or-nothing attitude on the outside coupled with my guilt and hatred on the inside made for a dichotomy that just couldn’t last for long.  I reached a level of depression I just don’t care to discuss right now.  You can read more here. God used that time to really break me and to, thankfully, build me back up to the point where I could learn something.

Fast forward to now.  I have learned so much.  Those of y’all who have stayed with me through this change have probably noticed a major flip.

God has taken me on quite a journey over the last year or so.  He has shown me how incredibly messed up my relationship with food and exercise had become.  He showed me the underbelly of eating disorders and disordered living.  Once I saw my own past for what it was, I was shown how incredibly common that way of living really was.  I saw how our society today just propagates it. At first I was angry with myself for wasting so much time on something so senseless and stupid and then I was angry with all the messages out there that just make it worse.  My previous zeal and passion from years past just switched over to going to battle with our society.  I was going to war.

And then God took me into his arms and said, “Peace. Be still.” There is a battle against the forces of self-hatred and disordered living.  There is no doubt that battle exists but God also said, “The Lord with fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14).

This battle is so much bigger than me and there is no way I can take it on by myself.  But, with God’s help I can fight the best fight.  I can fight against disordered eating. I can fight against poor body image.  I can fight against yo-yo dieting. There is just so much to fight against.

But, you know what else?

There is so much MORE to fight for…..

I can fight FOR a healthy relationship with food.

I can fight FOR knowing our bodies are amazing just the way they are.

I can fight FOR exercise that we love and movement for the sake of movement.

I can fight FOR healthy body image that we can pass down to our children.

I can fight FOR precious moments we don’t miss.

I can fight FOR a more balanced life.

I can fight FOR wanting to be IN the picture.

I can fight FOR feeling good in our clothes…..no matter the size.

I can fight for YOU.

 

Much LOVE!
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Fighting For Change

Totally Rockin’ the Introvert

Rockin the introvert

One thing that I really didn’t like myself when I was a kid was that I was very shy. Or, at least I thought I was very shy. I hated being in new situations and I hated big groups. In those situations my most common reaction was to pull off to the side and be very quiet. I would observe and absorb all that was going on around me. I wouldn’t talk to people very much in those situations and when given the opportunity to talk to them it felt so awkward and forced.

Now, don’t feel totally sorry for me. I had a wonderful childhood. Really, I did. Here’s the other side of me when I was younger and honestly, even now. When in small groups or one-on-one with a treasured friend or family member, I can talk their ever lovin’ head off. When I was a kid my parents would beg me for a moment, just a moment, of silence. My husband now will wonder what’s wrong if I haven’t been talking for awhile. Am I sick? Am I mad? Apparently, talking is one of my barometers.

So, how does being painfully “shy” and being insanely talkative merge into one person?

Over the last few years I have been slowly learning about personality types. I remember how it all started. I saw a picture posted on Facebok explaining an introvert. I can’t even remember what the particular picture was. But, I distinctly remember thinking, “OMG!!! That is me!! That is so me!!” Could it be that I am an introvert??

I started reading more and more articles about being an introvert as they would pop up on Facebook or wherever. I was becoming convinced that I am introvert.

Wait….I’m not shy?

I’m NOT SHY!!!

I am an INTROVERT!!!

So, I didn’t necessarily have a social anxiety or a personality flaw. It was my personality type.

Look at the article called 10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With the World.”  I loved the quote that was also in a TED Talk (“The Power of Introverts” by Susan Cain)  that explained how being an introvert is different from being shy.

“Shyness is about fear of social judgment,” Cain said. “Introversion is more about how do you respond to stimulation, including social stimulation. So extraverts really crave large amounts of stimulation, whereas introverts feel at their most alive and their most switched on and their most capable when they are in quieter, more low-key environments.”

YES!!  This is very true of me.

Recently, I did a personality test that a friend shared with me and the test said that I am INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) .  You can learn more about this personality type here. I’ve never put much weight in personality tests but, with a grain of salt, I can definitely agree with the results of this test.

Going into more detail of what it means to be an INFJ is for another day and another blog post.  But, I can say that it has been very eye opening for me over the last year or so.

Learning more about what it means to be an Introvert has been liberating for me.

Instead of thinking I am flawed and socially awkward (well, maybe I am) I am learning to embrace WHO I am. I am learning how to work within my personality and how to be truly ME.

Introverts are pretty awesome and I am (now) loving being one. 🙂



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Totally Rockin’ the Introvert

The Mellowing of Fitness



The Mellowing of Fitness


I have been on quite the fitness journey over the last five or so years.   I have gone from being and avid runner to being an avid weight lifter and then back to avid runner and then back to weightlifting and then back to running and weightlifting.  Whoo! It is exhausting just to read that sentence let alone process all the changes.  Well, here’s a monkey wrench for you.  Now, I am loving swimming laps at our local YMCA that has an indoor pool.

There was a time when I was very “all or nothing” about my view of fitness.   If I was in a weight lifting phase then it was weightlifting and nothing else.  There is nothing wrong with being dedicated and committed to what you love but I wouldn’t cross-train and honestly thought weightlifting was the one and only way to be fit.  I had the same attitude about running when I was in a running phase (quite a few times).  I would run and run and run or lift and lift and lift at the exclusion of other things until I would burn out or get injured.

As I am getting older, I am finding my “all or nothing” attitude about fitness is really starting to mellow out.  I am just as dedicated to keeping a fit lifestyle.  I train just as much as I always have.

My focus has just evolved.  My goals have changed.

I would once set extremely lofty goals (ex. run a marathon, compete in a powerlifting meet, compete in figure, etc. ) and when I wouldn’t achieve those goals I would take it as failure and totally hate myself for it. Those are all very good goals to have and I have the utmost respect for those who have them and achieve them.  I just had an unhealthy focus.  I put my personal value in achieving them.  Not good.

I think the best way to sum up my relationship with fitness now is that I have totally “Chilled Out.”

The passion is still there.

I still depend on movement for my physical and emotional health.

I am just much kinder to my mental state and to my body.

I create or follow workout programs but I am not married to them.

There are days when I just need to be out in the sunshine.  So, I go for a run.  My lifting routine can wait a day.  Sometimes, I just need silence and rhythm.  So, I go to the indoor pool for a nice, long session of lap swimming.  And some days I just need to lift something super heavy.  So, I hit the weights.

The difference here is that I know that fitness is a lifelong lifestyle.   If I want to focus on swimming for awhile, that is okay.  Running and weights are not going anywhere.  They’ll be waiting patiently for me.  The same goes for any other discipline I may choose to adopt be it yoga, crossfit, boxing, cycling, or whatever.

I also know that whatever I am focusing on needs to be complemented with other disciplines so as to offer cross training.

I train now because I crave movement.  I can’t be sedentary.  I want to live a healthy and active life until the day Jesus calls me home.

I often say, “The best workout is the one you will actually do.”

I am enjoying being more balanced in the journey that has no deadline.

With that being said, I am going to go lift some weights and tomorrow, I swim.


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The Mellowing of Fitness

New Year Ramblings and Why I Must Write

desk

I just sat down to write here for the first time in what turns out to be 6 months. WOW!! Has it really been that long??

I love to write but I also suffer from horrible writer’s block. You would wonder how that is even then case if you ever visit my Facebook page. I have PLENTY to say over there. I have PLENTY to say when I am with other people. But, for some reason I seize up when I sit down to write anything of real substance.

I know I have so much to say and it needs to be said (HA!) and the only way to say it is to just say it!

(Did you follow that?)

All I mean is that I just have to write if I am going to get past this writer’s block.

Whenever I pray and meditate on my path and future, one thing that God makes clear to me is that I must write. UGH! Yes, I know. But, I never know what to write or how to write it. I confess I find it a bit embarrassing that I keep coming back to the same ‘ole place.  The good thing is that God is full of grace.

Okay, okay….I have made it clear that I need to write. What does this all mean?

I am not a big fan of resolutions but I do love goals. I also love setting achievable goals.

So, one of my goals for 2015 is to write in this blog at least once a week. 🙂

I would love to write tons more but I know part of my problem is I bite off way too much and I burn out way too quickly. I need to take the same advice I give my clients in regards to habits. Start small. Create a solid habit and then build on that.

I will write at least once a week until that is a solid habit. I will add on from there.

Wish me luck!!!

And thank you for reading! Great things are coming!!!
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New Year Ramblings and Why I Must Write