I am sitting here pondering how I have evolved over the years in my journey to health and into the fitness and nutrition industry. Honestly, I don’t always recognize myself when I compare myself from way back then to now.
Just a few short years ago, I was all about heavy duty workouts and a very restrictive diet. I was so very passionate about everything I did. I told everyone about it. I told everyone that is how they should live too. *shudders* I had the answer to my and all their dieting woes. Eat this way and exercise this way and you too can have your dream body. It was very much a all-or-nothing philosophy. THIS is the only way to live. If you don’t follow this plan you will fail or you just don’t have what it takes to succeed. (Note: It hurts to write this.)
Here’s the secret that I never told anyone. I may have had all the answers but in reality I hated my body and I was totally miserable. I sure did a good job covering up the truth. I covered up the fact that I really didn’t enjoy my workouts. I covered up the fact that I was constantly hungry and obsessed with numbers. I covered up the fact that I would often binge in private . It never really occurred to me that if I am eating in secret that there just might be a problem. I covered up the fact that I often felt guilt and shame. I hated my body and I hated myself for hating my body. I feared food. I was depressed.
Honestly, I shudder and hang my head in shame when I think about everything I said and told people back then. My all-or-nothing attitude on the outside coupled with my guilt and hatred on the inside made for a dichotomy that just couldn’t last for long. I reached a level of depression I just don’t care to discuss right now. You can read more here. God used that time to really break me and to, thankfully, build me back up to the point where I could learn something.
Fast forward to now. I have learned so much. Those of y’all who have stayed with me through this change have probably noticed a major flip.
God has taken me on quite a journey over the last year or so. He has shown me how incredibly messed up my relationship with food and exercise had become. He showed me the underbelly of eating disorders and disordered living. Once I saw my own past for what it was, I was shown how incredibly common that way of living really was. I saw how our society today just propagates it. At first I was angry with myself for wasting so much time on something so senseless and stupid and then I was angry with all the messages out there that just make it worse. My previous zeal and passion from years past just switched over to going to battle with our society. I was going to war.
And then God took me into his arms and said, “Peace. Be still.” There is a battle against the forces of self-hatred and disordered living. There is no doubt that battle exists but God also said, “The Lord with fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14).
This battle is so much bigger than me and there is no way I can take it on by myself. But, with God’s help I can fight the best fight. I can fight against disordered eating. I can fight against poor body image. I can fight against yo-yo dieting. There is just so much to fight against.
But, you know what else?
There is so much MORE to fight for…..
I can fight FOR a healthy relationship with food.
I can fight FOR knowing our bodies are amazing just the way they are.
I can fight FOR exercise that we love and movement for the sake of movement.
I can fight FOR healthy body image that we can pass down to our children.
I can fight FOR precious moments we don’t miss.
I can fight FOR a more balanced life.
I can fight FOR wanting to be IN the picture.
I can fight FOR feeling good in our clothes…..no matter the size.
I can fight for YOU.