Dear Mom Friend,
It was so good talking to you today. I always enjoy meeting new people at church, at the park, at the gym, or wherever. We need to stick together in this journey called Motherhood, right?
During our conversation you asked me where my son goes to school. That is a perfectly fair question.
When I said, “Oh, we homeschool,” I could see a switch in your demeanor. It was very subtle but I have gotten very good at detecting it.
You replied, “Oh wow. I could never homeschool. I just don’t have the patience to homeschool.”
I heard those words and just a little bit of me died on the inside. It isn’t because of you at all. Please don’t think that.
My heart broke a tiny bit today because, honestly, patience has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Guess what? I struggle with patience just like the next Mom. Really, I do.
I didn’t sign up for this homeschooling journey because I am some superhero Mom who has patience that grows on trees. I signed up for this gig because I knew in my heart that THIS is what God, my Creator and Savior, has called me to do. HE has called me to die to self every single day as I open myself up and pour into my one and only child. I also know that the One who called me to homeschool also gave me an incredibly unique child who just wouldn’t thrive in the typical school setting.
That superhero cape that you think you see flying in the wind as I tell you I educate my child at home is actually not there. I don’t know where I left it. Is it in the wash? Wait, did I leave it at the library. Oh shoot! Where did I put that cape?! Oh, I know where it is. I left it on the recliner where I keep my Bible.
You see, that’s where I get all the patience I need for the day. It is like manna from Heaven. But, just like manna fell from sky for the Israelites, this manna only comes daily. I have to open myself up for it to be poured in from the His Word.
I am a broken person, just like you. I have my limitations. I have my pains. I am in need of an awesome Savior just like anyone else in this world.
I have to ask for my son’s forgiveness pretty much on a daily basis. I lose my patience with him quite often. I lose my temper too. My sinfulness and brokenness and ugliness is opened wide open in front of my child. He sees it daily.
But…then he sees me pause, admit my failures, and ask my Father for forgiveness. And then he sees me as I kneel by him and he hears me as I ask him for his forgiveness for failing him as his mother, for not guiding him in the way I should. I ask him to forgive me for losing my patience with him or whatever was bothering me at that moment.
He then says, “Mom. I love you so much. Thank you. We all mess up. I forgive you.” We hug and cuddle as Mother and Son but also Brother and Sister in Christ. He makes it clear to me that he really is just on loan to me from our Father.
I am humbled every day as my son extends the patience and forgiveness to me that I so sorely lack. Oh, I so lack it.
So, Mama, I don’t have enough patience to homeschool.
And guess what? You don’t either. We definitely agree on that point.
Homeschool Moms don’t have any special powers that are only handed out to a select few. We are not super heroes. We are broken women just everyone else. Seriously, you have no idea.
What keeps me going if I don’t have the patience to do this?
I will tell you, first, that there are plenty of times that I seriously consider quitting. Oh yes, I want to quit often.
I have to dig deep and find my most vulnerable ‘WHY’ frequently. It is the WHY that makes me CRY. When I am reminded of the WHY I am doing this I can dust off my cape for at least a few minutes and put it on (and then promptly lose it again).
Do you understand now?
I wish I could have told you all this earlier today. I guess we just didn’t have the time and honestly, I am write so much better than I speak. Ha! I think that’s the INFJ in me.
The next time you see a homeschool Mom just know she is doing the best she can with the small portion of manna (patience) she was given for that day. She does not have a patience tree. Don’t we ALL wish we had a patience tree?
And most important of all…homeschool Moms are merely women who have made another choice. We are in no way better or more powerful than any other Mom. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.